<> < good condition, he ambles up to the announcer's podium.>> "Good day ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to yet another first this weekend! You're privileged to be spectators at the first traditional chef battle held outside the Sol System!" <> "First off, the challenger! Dexter von Traupenstein, lately of DunnoCorp but more recently of his own restaurant right here in town!" <> "And the defender, Tomas Holliday, of the good ship Fate Breaker!" <> "For judges today we have...!" <> "Director Antima, enticed out of Mars by the promise of good cuisine! Captain Don Fernando, of the Black Orchid! And lastly... me! Because being mayor has to have some perks!" <> "You're all familiar with the format, so I'll jump to the secret ingredient! A delicacy from the newly discovered planet of Aqueon, th is creature can grow to be the size of a small apartment! And that's just the biggest we've SEEN! God knows how they taste, but we're pretty sure they're not poisonous! We do know they have a pretty powerful bite, though! I give you! The Aqueon Turtlobite!" < a turtle and a trilobite. The head is flattish and arrow-shaped with long wispy antennae, and the shell isn't solid, but is instead composed of overlapping plates which look awfully spiny. Rather than a tail, the shell pieces taper down into a thin ridge which looks a lot like a chainsaw blade. Light seems to agitate them, as they begin to thrash when the curtain is lifted.>> "ALLEZ CUISINE!" <<(Go!)>> (Well, we've got about 50/50 odds, it seems!) (All down to Steve.) (So, did you have a plan? Should Zeke swarm the stand and grab some?) <> (Drones flanking Tomas who selects the good stuff?) * Tomas motions Zeke to follow as he approaches the tank and peers through the glass, "mm hmmmm. Grab one and take it to the station. Get him knocked out as soon as you can. We don't want him thrashing around like that and building up lactic acid." Tomas then reaches in and grabs one of his own and heads back, hitting it on the head as he goes. * Zeke has many useful abilities, but probably the most relevant one is the one where six of his drones were following Tomas up, all of them swarming in to grab a turtle. He comments, "You only need two? They have provided at least three for each side." As the drones carry the turtle back by him, Zeke imitates Tomas' knock out blow. <> "And Team Holliday is first to the ingredients!" <> * Tomas slams his turtlobite down on the ground in front of his counter, since punches haven't seemed to do the trick, and glances over his shoulder, "I suppose you're right. I wouldn't put it past Dexter to monopolize the ingredient." <> (Has mine given up the fight yet?) <> * Tomas grumbles as he crouches on one knee and continues to punch the turtlobite in the head, "Can you send a drone or two to grab that last one before they do?" (Do they have _necks_?) * Zeke takes his turtle off of the drones' hands and they swarm back for another go at the turtles. Zeke, seeing Tomas' trouble, says, "Perhaps more force is warranted." (I got the impression no, from the trilobite description.) <> <> * Tomas gives a satisfied nod and lifts his onto the counter and starts butchering it like a giant turtle...trilobite hybrid, taking note of what product it has to offer. * Zeke's birdsect flaps over to the tank, looking down at the sous-chef with annoyance as his drones drag out the last turtle. <> (Underbelly's no good?) <> <> <> * Tomas mutters to himself, "That's not going to work," and crouches down and starts digging through the cabinet beneath his station and comes up with a 20 lb sledge hammer. He positions the beast on its belly and gives it a solid walk square in the middle of its shell. <> * Zeke looks at Tomas oddly as his drones drag the third back. "It seems you are prepared." Hopefully he's managed to beat the second one into submission by now, so he can lay it out for Tomas to take care of. * Tomas says excitedly, "There we go! Let's see what we ahve here!" and starts prying the shell open, looking for edible bits. <> * Tomas tosses Zeke the sledge, "Get those guys open. I need to figure out what these guys have to offer." <> * Zeke nods and takes the sledgehammer to... actually subdue the third one in one hit. Hopefully not all over the place. * Zeke's drones helpfully keep it in place! * Tomas dives into his turtlobite elbow deep and starts pulling out what viscera and entrails might be usable. As he pulls each piece out he touches it to his tongue for quick analysis. "Ladies and Gentlemen, they have them open! The first challenge overcome. Careful, Tomas, those exoskeletons are sharp! And ... oh, man, that is *nasty*!" <> * Tomas ignores them! He's in the zone! <> * Zeke opens the second one too as the drones start to perch on various places on the scenery. <> * Tomas inspects the other specimens to make sure there aren't any extra offerings from the other sex of the species and approaches Zeke, "Here's the plan. These guys look like turtles, so, obviously, they'll make a good turtle soup." We'll make a sausage with those intestines and some of the meat and "liver." Drop it in a hoagie bun and throw on some grilled onions and peppers. And then some ice cream. Nothing beats turtlobite ice cream. We need a fourth though. Any ideas? * Zeke looks back at Tomas with his holohead and states, "I am already significantly... confused. This is not a skill I have." No signature foods where you're from? No dishes growing up that spring to mind? Not... that involve turtles. Very well. It's almost like Porque. We can do a paillard of this--whatever this chunk of meat is--and fry it up with some thai-mex seasoning.. "It looks like Team Holliday has a plan, folks! Team von Traupenstein is not to be outdone, though, they're already starting ingredient prep! Look at that mise en place fly!" (mise en place does not fly) * Tomas claps his hands, "Alright!" and lists out the other ingredients for Zeke to gather while he starts the pots and pans on the stove and prepares the turtlobite bits. <> (So many Three Stooges cream pie moments elided!) * Zeke nods, drones opening refridgerators and drawers to fetch ingredients as he listens, each admirably doing a superb performance of Ye Olde Vespene Gas runs. <> <> "Time! Contestants, step away from your dishes!" * Tomas pulls away from wiping stray drips from his plates and goes to high five Zeke. Well done, Z! I thought we were done for when you slipped on that bit of shell and crashed into the stove, knocking over everything we'd done, but we pulled it off! * Zeke is capable of delivering a return high-five, shocking the at-home audience. After a moment he comments, "Yes, ah, well, I could not see it." <> * Tomas steeples his fingers and wears a proud grin, "What I've attempted to do here is to take you with me on my adventures chainjumping. First we have a Turtlobite Toup, based on the classic, rustic, Terran turtle soup. I've included a piquant seaweed that I found floating just below the surface of the waters on Aqueon. It gives the broth a nice, slow kick. (I could do reactions for each one but I'm just going to do a composite result at the end. Tired and kind of angry.) Next we have a hammered paillard of turtlobite loin. I've breaded and lightly fried it then topped it with a tart chutney of Ice Mango from Icenorkia. For your third course, you have a classic Red Polish Sausage. I coarseley ground the heart, a chunk of meat I found toward the rump, and the livers together, then mixed in a dried bean pod we found on Briquette and some other seasonings. It has a slightly sulphurous taste, but I think it will contrast well with the bitter meat to give you something enjoyable. I've put it in a hoagie bun and topped it with some grilled onions and peppers. And lastly, dessert! I have for you a turtlobite-mint ice cream, but it's not just any mint. I recently acquired it on 61 Ursae Majoris. It's sweeter than the Terran and Martian varieties. <> "The ice cream was ... interesting. I definitely liked the soup, and the sausage was good, but a tad on the lean side for me. The loin was exquisite, though. Four and a half out of five." <> "I have to disagree, I thought the mango was TOO tart, it overwhelmed the dish. But everything else was faboo. Four poin ts even." <> "If I, Don Fernando, were to say your cooking was as bad as your chainjumping, it would be clear that this food was excrable and that I would not feed it to my dogs. But. The food, it is much better than your chainjumping. If you had a restaurant, Don Fernando might deign to come and visit it. Three and a half." * Tomas bows graciously, "Thank you." <> "My first dish is a chilled turtlobite platter with grapes in a caper sauce. Then, I present a roulade of turtlobite, truffles, and scampi prawns, sliced and served in an ever so delicate reduction of white wine and fig. To this, we add a turtlobite burger, in the Red Mexican style, flowing over with chili con carne with actual beef! The dinner is made complete with a warm turtlobite cheesecake, wherein the bitter meat of the animal is compared and contrasted against a handcrafted marscapone cheese and an excellent blueberry topping." <> "The conception of the dishes was flawless, Mr. von Traupenstein, but ... I have to ask. Did you forget to salt anything?" <> "But but but I couldn't! I don't! I always taste! I mean! Aaaaaaaaaaaigh!" < the road towards his restaurant.>> * Zeke's birdsect watches him run, and he looks over to Tomas to say, "That seems... a strange omission. I have heard." <> "The judges have turned in their votes, and the winner is clearly Tomas Holliday, 12 points to 3! Winner and still champion!" <> * Tomas grins wide and bows to the crowd. (Okay, wrap up.) * Tomas turns to Zeke and shakes his hand, "Good work. It's unfortunate that he forgot the salt, but I still think I would have come out ahead." * Zeke looks back at Tomas, along with his birdsect, and replies, "I don't know why it is unfortunate. But it is good we succeeded." A pause, then he adds, "Don Fernando was... very fair." * Tomas grins, "Even he couldn't deny my genius." then saunters off to find the others. <>